Stolećna biblioteka chp01

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Dnevnik

            Dan kao i svaki drugi dan, siv, tmuran i dosadan. Još jedan dan u nizu, još jedan korak dalje od života, još jedan deo mene je zamreo. Dalje i dalje, dublje i dublje, padam u neku vrstu ponora i depresije. Kad je život prazan i smisla nema, a to sam upravo ja. Osoba bez razloga za život, osoba koja krade bogu dane. Za lićni dnevnik ili nešto slićno potrebe nemam, jednolićost i praznina života me ubija. Ali tako više ne mogu, gubiti život ispred sopstvenih očiju, malo po malo, dan za danom, umirući ovako mlad polako ali sigurno....

Moram nešto preduzeti i prekinuti ovaj lanac praznine. Moje ime je Red Nightroad, mladić bez perspektive u životu, bez snova i želja. Mladić na putu propasti, bez izlaza na vidiku. Ali kako ljudi kažu, ako izlaza nema napravi ga sam. Oprostite ako sam vam malo dosadan i morbidan, kao što rekoh moje ime je Red. A ovo je moj prvi pokušaj lićnog dnevnika, i posle moj prvi pokušaj da promenim nešto u životu.

Znam,  treba uvesti radikalne promene,  eto mi i razloga da započnem i lićni dnevnik.

Stolećna biblioteka chp02

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Prvi korak

            Kao prvo kao što rekoh... radikalne promene.  Ali... ali... odakle krenuti sa prmenama? Kuda krenuti? Šta raditi? Iskreno nisam siguran, niti znam šta mi je ćiniti. Kao i uvek samo dobra volja ne pomaže ništa, a gde je hrabrost? Imam li ja hrabrosti za promene? Da imam.... do sada bi promenio život više puta. Do sada bi bio sretan čovek, sa lepim životom, i dalje bi imao snove, neke ostvarene, a neke i dalje na putu ostvarenja.

Ostati bez snova nije prijatna stvar, ostati bez ićega da voliš i da se za nešto boriš... ubija polako ali sigurno.

Znam zvući patetićno, znam nisam jedini, znam da sam patetičan u oćima mnogih, znam da sam luzer. Opravdanja nema, o razlozima i ne želim da razmišljam. Da se molim bogu sad je kasno, a i od njega nikakvu nadu ili utehu nebi dobio. Zašto bi on sad bio tu, kad nikad nije bio tu kad mi je bilo teško? Kažu nada uvek zadnja opstaje, nada nikad ne umire, nada nikad ne izdaje. Do sada nisam znao šta nada znaći, nisam se nićemu nadao u životu, nisam želeo biti izdan od strane samog sebe i svojih želja. Ali daću šansu nadi i pozitivnoj promeni,  šansu boljem životu, šansu da i ja ponovo pronađem san. Znam! Eto mi prve promene i prvog koraka. Da nađem san!

Stolećna biblioteka chp03

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San

            Kakav san meni treba? Nešto što je oličenje moje vizije, moje ljubavi i mojeg bića. Ono što želim postići i uraditi u životu od sebe. Šta bi to moglo biti? Šta ja to potajno priželjkujem? Ljubav, avanturu, većan život, svo znanje ovog sveta, saznati šta krije zagrebni život... ?  Trebam naći svoju stazu, ne utabanu stazu, nešto gde se još niko nije usudio kroćiti. Bolje da se bacim u potragu većnog života, trebaće mi taman toliko da pronađem svoj san.

Ali gde da dođem do tajne većnog života, postoje li neki zapisi, neke skripte? Hmm sumnjam da nešto može da se iskopa po bibliotekama.... Možda muzeji? Ne.. ne.. kad bih pitao mislili bi ljudi da sam lud... Jedino mi ostaje biblioteka... Ništa mi drugo ne preostaje no put pod noge, san mi nece pasti u krilo iz vedra neba. Ne bi bilo interesantno da je tako, ne bih morao onda da menjam život. Da je tako lako, ostao bih i uživao u svojoj rupi, ne bih bio sad na ivici ludila. Nadam se da sam izabrao pravi put i nacin, da menjam svoj život.

Stolećna biblioteka chp04

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Put

            Krenuvši napokon, izlazeći iz svoje sigurne ali usamnjene zone. Ispred mene su se nalazile iscrtane putanje i raskrsnice. Bezbroj razgranatih puteva, bezbroj načina da se dođe do cilja. Svaki kamen i  svaka prepreka je jasno vidljiva, obasjana sjajnim staklenim mesecom u tamno tamno plavoj noći. Prizor kao da je iz neke pozorištne predstave, predstava u kojoj sam ja glavna uloga, predstava tragedije i komedije.

Kao dvorska luda koja pokušava da bude najuspešnija u kraljevstvu na dvorovima.

Biti najbolji u nečemu nije uopšte lako, hvala bogu to nije moj san.

            Međutim ovaj put se odužio, mora da je to zbog silnog razmišljanja.

Nikad nisam bio dobar u tome, uvek zalutam preduboko u detalje, jednostavno se izgubim u sopstvenom procesu misli. Zasto li ima ovoliko da se pešaći? Imam utisak kao da je biblioteka na drugom kraju sveta, preko sedam brda i sedam mora.... I ako sam tu u blizini, izgleda kao da je kilometrima daleko. Hodajući dubokim noćnim plavetnilom ispod staklene mesećine. Malo po malo, polako, nogu pred nogu, milimetar po milimetar, sve sam bliže svom cilju.  Putevi i raskršća razgranata, polako se stapaju u jedno. U sigurnost jaku, da na pravom sam putu, da ovuda trebam ići. Put koji izgleda strašno temeljno i sigurno, uliva samopouzdanje i volju da idem dalje. Stekao sam utisak kao da je živ, kao da me sam vodi do nekog svetilišta i mog cilja. Lutajući tako, polako, gledajući u daljinu, ne primetivši ništa oko sebe, zarobljen u svojim mislima. Odlutao sam daleko u ne poznatom pravcu, osvrtajući se okolo, praznina, nigde ništa, samo povetarac i tiha noć. Ali moj put vodi jos malo dalje...

Stolećna biblioteka chp05

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Kapija

            Noć postaje sve tamnija i hladnija, toliko hladna da mi telo polako trne. Osećaj ovog trena mi je užasno poznat. Okružen senkama oblaka i noćnom tamom, koračajući polako ispod velikod punog meseca koji je poprimio oblik mačijeg oka. Posmatra me obazrivo i nekako odojno, kao da me kontroliše da nešto loše ne uradim. Pravi deja vu efekat, put obasjan blještavom mesečinom, maze me senke oblaka, a tama iz daljine stiže i proždire sve pred sobom.

Mora da je neka vrsta halucinacije, nemam drugog objašnjenja. Ali opet, zašto me preplavljuje osećaj nostalgije? Miris noći, osećaj povetarca na licu, hladnoće na telu, zvuk trave koja se njiše na povetarcu, prasina ispod mojih stopala koja se diže dok hodam po stazi. Sve je tako nostalgićno, tako surovo nostalgićno, osećanje koje ne mogu kontrolisati. Ubrzo me emocija tuge sustiže ni odkud, suza prva, suza druga niz obraz klizi. Ostavljajući vlažan trag, koji se vrlo brzo hladi i steže moje lice.

Ova noć je postala bolna i duga, užasno duga, kajem se što sam uopšte i počinjao sve ovo. Ko me je terao da razmišljam o promenama? Šta li mi je to falilo u mojoj sigurnoj zoni? Moja prelepa rupa nedostaje mi... Međutim srce se grči jako, neda mi da se predam, gura me napred. I ako moj um posustaje i polako se predaje, srce suludo gura napred kao da ne postoji sutra. Ma koliko mi god suze vid mutile od hladnoće i tuge, ma koliko mi god noge klecale od bola i straha, ono, moje srce punom snagom grčevito sili napred, ne posustaje ni za trenutak. Izgubljen u vrtlogu haosa u sebi, jedino mi preostaje da idem napred. Nemam kud drugde, nazad ne mogu, neda mi se, ne smem, i ako želim, i toga plašim se.

U tom trenutku primetih, tama tu je, meni za petama, vidljivost je sve slabija, povetarac je sve tiši i tiši, sve slabiji. Zvuk trave oko mene polako nestaje, i ostasmo samo mesec, ja i tama...  Hladnoća me obuzima, dalje ne mogu, snage mi nestaje... I napokon tama je prešla preko mene, zvuk sopstvenog disanja i lupanja srca me užasava. Imam osećaj da je ovo kraj za mene. Osecam se tako slabo i umorno, kao da sam pešaka na mesec otišao i nazad. Ali duboko u sebi isto tako osećam da sam tu, da sam toliko blizu nečega, da samo jedan korak napravim i tu sam.  Onda sad da odustajem ne smem, dok sam otvarao teške kapke očiju svojih, tama je polako nestajala. I da tu je ispred mene na korak, ogromna kapija. Kao da nije sa ovog sveta činilo mi se.

Midnight Carnival chp01

Lonely Night

Yet another young night is here, another magically looking moon is born.
Yet again this is another night of solitude, boredom and lonely atmosphere.
Low lighted room, cold walls and my computer are my only friends tonight again.
Lost in time and space I wonder, how many years passed like this, how long will this emptiness torment me from inside out.
What I did to deserve this kind of punishment, to deserve this crippled body, shattered mind and weak soul.
Why? God why? Whose sins are on my back? What for I need to suffer and repent like this?
Another sad night without stars this is, another cloudy dark sky above me, and it reminds me sometimes on myself.

While enjoying my favorite music on my PC, I wander over and over again.
Will I be alone till the end, till my last days of breathing on this world. Even so I'll be myself till the very end, waiting for that end to come in front of my eyes. In that absence in thoughts I got new mail in my inbox. It says "Welcome to Blue moon dating site, you have special invitation." … Blue moon, what is this… Ok let's see what is written inside.
"Welcome new user! You got special invitation from one of ours golden members. Just click on this link to sign up for free. No fees for a 3 months, you can't miss this chance to get yourself a nice date."
That sound fishy and lame….. Oh well let's see it, it won't hurt…. I hope so there isn't some nasty virus behind this link. I'm in so… what now… Enter your name, your surname, your email address, your password, date of birth, your reasons here, your credit card number, your sexual orientation, your free pass key, etc… Alright, first of my name and surname,… Ok all done here, now let's begin with this. Set your profile details… What more crap? Do they need a number of my shoes, pants and my penis size? For crying out loud, just let me in… Oh great now I have to put even photo to get online… Ok let it be, I'll put some crappy one, there! Ok I'm in now finally, so what now? Ummm… Let's see…  Here on the user list are some pretty nice photos… Oh wow they all look like actresses, damn I feel down for putting that crappy photo earlier. Umm I'm invited as I remember from one of gold members… Let's find out who is that gold member, or maybe that was some cheap crap to lure me on this dating site… Hmmm… Oh great as free user I can't access the gold member list, ok I'll just sniff around for a while, until I get bored with it that is. So about an hour past by really quickly with me sniffing around the site. I'm like amazed how this date site look nice, the flash design is awesome, nice gothic fonts, great scary atmosphere, just like night full of vampires and warewolves from horror movies. Just as I thought, flash designer know his way around with flash animations. Anyway it's midnight, it's cool site and all that, but I got bored…
So let's do something more interesting, first of all to change playlist of music I'm listen to. Just as I changed my playlist, I got private message on that dating site "Blue moon"
Hmmm it's icon is golden coin… hmm golden member perhaps… Crap, ok let's see what it says. You got invitation to golden chat from Carmellia, and there is a link below message. Ok I clicked it alright, hmm why they put loading screen for a simple chatroom? Umm oh well I'll see why pretty soon, As I finished that thought I got into room. No wonder there was a loading screen, even in chatrooms they putted flash animations. The dark feeling, with black background and yellowish gold gothic fonts, and glowing silver full moon in the upper right corner, that dead tree in the middle look great, far away cloudy night with night breeze animation. Really awesome looking dark goth chatroom, I take off my hat to the designers. Well as I see there are only two of us in the chatroom, Carmellia and me… Umm well is she waiting for me to click on her.. what the hell? Ok, ok let it be, let it be… It's just freakin annoying, enough is enough if she suck I'm so out of here. Oh a new window and new animation… big red moon sound of craws and flying bats… Ok.. it's ok… classic…  chat:

Me: Hi there, is there anything you wanted to chat about?

Me: Since you sent me invitation, there is something important I guess.

Carmellia: Hi there Brandon, how is tonight's sky? Is it clear from your window?

Me: Wha…? How do you know me? and anyway who are you? If I'm allowed to ask?

Carmellia: Oh I almost forgot…I'm so sorry, where are my manners. I'm Carmellia Nosthradus, it's my pleasure to meet you Brandon Gladius. Nice surname name of a Roman sword…  Is your personality same as your surname? I hope it is, I hope it isn't like rusted sword. And yes I do know of you, as how do I know you… well…
Let's say that is a little secret for now, shall we?

Me: Secret? What is this? Is this some kind of game? Anyway is there anything you want to talk about? For example… tonight's weather, food, music, books, movies or just to get to know each other better? Or you want to ask me something?

Carmellia: Hahahahaha…….

Me: What's so funny? I asked about normal things. Is that funny to you?

Carmellia: Well it is somehow interesting and refreshing to meet someone like you here. So yeah it is a little funny, if you look at it in a way like, a little puppy is in wolf's den.

Me: Are you mocking me Carmellia?

Carmellia: Oh no, please excuse me and my manners, I ask if you can forgive me….

Me: Ahh what a heck now… damn it… ok… ok. I'll forgive you for now, but please be careful. I'm not a fool, or at least I hope so.

Carmellia: Hahaha, funny guy I see. Good I like that, well can I ask of you something?

Me: Sure thing, feel free to ask.

Carmellia: Tomorrow at around this time you'll get a new email, with all you need to know in it. Can I ask you to read it, and to promise me that you'll uphold it?

Me: Ok, that isn't hard I guess, if that is all there is?

Carmellia: Yes, that is that is all for tonight, now I have to go. Goodbye for now.

Me: Ok, bye and good night.


Carmellia left the chatroom!

Ok. I'm off too, it's enough for tonight. Damn what is this all about? Who or what is she? Should I avoid this place? This whole situation? Or should I ply along and see what's going on? Hmm I feel sleepy, oh well I'll think about it other time. Goodnight me. 

Midnight Carnival chp02

 Disturbing eMail

Ah it's a day, a daylight. It's so bright that I can't open my eyes as soon as I woke up. Hmm it's 2 PM, damn it's middle of a day, worst and brightest daytime, and to top it all off it's so damn hot. And… what to do now, what to do? Daytime is boring, nothing to do. Well let's push the power button on my pc, it's like a little morning ritual… it sucks damn it. So empty life of mine this is, I need a big change, but what I can do with this kind of body? Oh well, I'll first put some coffee, and storm my brain later so he can't even think about nonsense. 25 years old, a youth without life, some of old folks would say: "Where is this world headed to?" I'd say just it's not world to put a blame on, it's as with youth that don't see how to spend it joyful. It's like someone robbed me off ability to enjoy my life, instead I feel depressed and way too much bored. Oh great, now I'm out of cigs. That means I have to go and buy new tobacco, just what I needed a walk on this hot day.  Oh ok, ok need for nicotine was victorious, over my shear will of laziness.
Outside is even worse, all those people with happy faces staring at me. Like I'm some side show carnival freak. I hate it, so I'll plug my ears with earphones. Lucky me that I have cellphone with mp3 support and big memory card, now I can drift off in my fantasy worlds. Damn this day seems long and hot, even if I switched on air conditioner. It's 5 PM now, hmm time goes pretty fast. 3 hours passed I didn't do anything, oh well it's better that way, the end of this day will come quickly.

Now I'm ready for everything, coffee, pack of cigs, my pc, music and internet.
Ok let's check mail first, hmm nothing interesting… oh and that promised mail didn't come. Huh? Wait a second there, am I hoping to get it? Am I expecting something? This is funny, now what am I doing at all? Waiting for some… strange mail, in front of my screen all day. Even thinking about it… Email, Carmellia, that dating site, this whole situation. This isn't like me at all, it's worse than thinking about my miserable life… The hell!  Whole my life, I wasn't even thinking about this stupid things, I was happy with my solitude and my best and only friend, my pc. So why now? Is that youth madness that everyone talk about, finally got me too? I'm not a teenager damn it all, this is frustrating. Is this start of a change, if it is it doesn't feel so good. Well I complained to myself that I need one bad, oh well a change is a change… Am I gone nuts? I don't even know myself anymore, maybe I'm crazy from the start, or maybe I really do need a change in my miserable life. Anyway I just need to calm down and chill out, everything is perfectly normal, nothing changed, I am me as I was always. It's just a stupid mail, once I got it and see what it's written in it, everything will be alright. It's 8 PM, my playlist was looping for about an hour or two, goth music perfectly fitted for background, to brake the silence.  It's starting to get dark, even at night summer heat is killing me. But it's great there isn't sun and it isn't so bright outside. The bad thing is that people are still crowded as ants on street. They all smile, and try to look happy, but life isn't that bright and happy in this age and day. Most of them are shallow and empty inside, false joy, need for adventure, or some great changes in life, they all boast about love, sex and relationships.
Girls pull guys for their noses like some dogs, guys look at them just as another meat and drooling as if girls are some candy. It's a pitiful game I think, a pitiful game of this twisted society. Where those that are different, are seen as scarecrows. Or those that are popular amongst people, are seen as clowns by us scarecrows. But aside from that in nighttime world seem so beautiful, full of colors on the sky and on the streets, yet again so dark. It's just like some video game with unlimited number of possibilities and routs. Ouch I drifted off again deep in thoughts, and I said I'll stop thinking about stupid things.
Oh wow look at time, it sure fly by when I'm deep in thoughts, it's a around 12 AM. A dangerous time full of danger, foul creatures, and of course adventure!!! Well that's something that exists only in fantasies, hmm maybe I'll write something epic one day. Like Dark hour adventure, or some spooky thing… dunno. Oh there is a new mail in my inbox, let's see, let's see what it says, I hope it isn't a spam mail… and yeah recently my mail got hacked damn those lunatics. I had a headache returning it back. Anyway the mail say… It's from Carmellia, wha??? I thought I hid the mail on that site??? Damn it! Now I'm furious, great! Ok let's see what's written finally.

Content of mail:
"Hi there, Carmellia here. It's nice weather this night too, nice chilly breeze. You should take a walk by river it's beautiful. Well you can't see the moon because of clouds, but regardless it's still beautiful. Oh pardon me, I got sidetracked again. The thing I want to ask of you is that I want you, to go to the Century tattooist and ask for black unicorn tattoo. You'll get a bank account, from which you can take money on your cellphone via sms. I'll need you to do it till sundown in 3 days period. Please can you do it? You promised me."

What is this??? Some kind of sect recruitment? What the hell!?? Is she crazy??
She thinks I'll keep that promise? The hell I will! This is crazy! I'll reply at once, and make it clear. No deal, you sicko!!! Huh? Damn mail is locked, I can't reply. Oh well all I need to do then is ignore it, and everything will be alright

Stolećna biblioteka chp06

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Čuvar

            Kapija.. ovakvu arhitekturu do sad nisam nigde video, ne obajšnjiva stvar, gotovo magično. Zidovi se prostiru toliko daleko, da mi beže iz vidnog polja. Na izgled kao da je sve od mermera, međutim više podseća na crne kamene blokove, prekrivene zlatnom prašinom, koji se presijavaju na mesečini. Ulaz je ogromnog kružnog dizajna, kao da je iz neke bajke ispala cela kapija. Vrata ne postoje... samo neka crvena tečnost, krvavo crvena koja pokriva ulaz na kapiji...

Želim je dodirnuti, odjednom sam dobio jaku želju da je dodirnem. Mada nije mi to pametna ideja, šta ako je opasno... pod naponom struje, šta ako je to neka vrsta kiseline ili vrata do druge dimenzije... Važi.. kako da ne vrata do druge dimenzije, ali ideja nije bez dobre osnove, i ovako sve ovo izgleda veoma čudno. Hmm bacio sam pogled okolo, da vidim da li ima nešto korisno u okolini, da proverim odmah... skeptičan sam da dodirnem tu stvar. Aha eno nekog kamenja u blizini, dohvatio sam što pre sam mogao ushićen sav.

Ovo je uzbudljivo... da vidimo šta će da se desi... Bacio sam jedan kamenčić, drugi pa i treći, ali ništa se ne dešava. Hmm dobro da probam nešto drugo. Još jednom sam pogledao oko sebe, da vidim ima li nešto još interesantno i korisno... Odlično eno drveta, otkinuću jednu granu... I ovako i onako izgleda svo osuseno i mrtvo, kao da je umrlo od tuge i samoće.

Odlićno će mi ova grana poslužiti za probu iz blizine, prišao sam i sa išćekivanjem iscrtanom na licu, dotakao sam krv crvenu tećnost koja je bila umesto vrata.

Posle dodira granom, pre bih rekao da je u pitanju želatinasta masa nego tećnost, što stvari ćini još čudnijim. I rekao bih da je dosta gusto i ćvrsto... Kako sam pokušavao da gurnem granu više, tako su se stvarali teški talasi, kao kad padne kap u posudu punu vode. Divota grana se polomila na pola od sile kojom sam pokušavao da je gurnem, hmm deo koji je ostao unutra i dalje prolazi... Kao da ga nešto polako guta.... Ništa drugo mi ne preostaje, zavrnuo sam rukav i polako posegao ruku uz teško preznojavanje i gunđanje...

Taman da dotaknem želatinastu masu... povika glasno ženski glas:”Stani! Šta radiš to?! Ko si ti?!“ Okrenuo sam se par puta levo i desno preplšen kao miš, nigde nije bilo nikog.

Ukočen i prebledeo odgovorio sam:“Ko to pita?! Pokaži se!“

Istog trena ispred mene se stvorila crna ženska figura, sa ljutitim žutim očima. Osetio sam kako mi je od straha srce preskočilo i u glavi sve utrnulo. Pao sam na leđa i ostao u mraku....